简爱(英文版)-第25章

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e　such　as　I　never　saw　before　or　since。　Pain；　shame；　ire；　impatience；　disgust；　detestation；　seemed　momentarily　to　hold　a　quivering　conflict　in　the　large　pupil　dilating　under　his　ebon　eyebrow。　Wild　was　the　wrestle　which　should　be　paramount；　but　another　feeling　rose　and　triumphed：　something　hard　and　cynical：　self…willed　and　resolute：　it　settled　his　passion　and　petrified　his　countenance：　he　went　on—
“During　the　moment　I　was　silent；　Miss　Eyre；　I　was　arranging　a　point　with　my　destiny。　She　stood　there；　by　that　beech…trunk—a　hag　like　one　of　those　who　appeared　to　Macbeth　on　the　heath　of　Forres。　‘You　like　Thornfield？’　she　said；　lifting　her　finger；　and　then　she　wrote　in　the　air　a　memento；　which　ran　in　lurid　hieroglyphics　all　along　the　house…front；　between　the　upper　and　lower　row　of　windows；　‘Like　it　if　you　can！　Like　it　if　you　dare！’
“‘I　will　like　it；’　said　I；　‘I　dare　like　it；’　and”　（he　subjoined　moodily）　“I　will　keep　my　word；　I　will　break　obstacles　to　happiness；　to　goodness—yes；　goodness。　I　wish　to　be　a　better　man　than　I　have　been；　than　I　am；　as　Job’s　leviathan　broke　the　spear；　the　dart；　and　the　habergeon；　hindrances　which　others　count　as　iron　and　brass；　I　will　esteem　but　straw　and　rotten　wood。”
Adèle　here　ran　before　him　with　her　shuttlecock。　“Away！”　he　cried　harshly；　“keep　at　a　distance；　child；　or　go　in　to　Sophie！”　Continuing　then　to　pursue　his　walk　in　silence；　I　ventured　to　recall　him　to　the　point　whence　he　had　abruptly　diverged—
“Did　you　leave　the　balcony；　sir；”　I　asked；　“when　Mdlle。　Varens　entered？”
I　almost　expected　a　rebuff　for　this　hardly　well…timed　question；　but；　on　the　contrary；　waking　out　of　his　scowling　abstraction；　he　turned　his　eyes　towards　me；　and　the　shade　seemed　to　clear　off　his　brow。　“Oh；　I　had　forgotten　Céline！　Well；　to　resume。　When　I　saw　my　charmer　thus　e　in　acpanied　by　a　cavalier；　I　seemed　to　hear　a　hiss；　and　the　green　snake　of　jealousy；　rising　on　undulating　coils　from　the　moonlit　balcony；　glided　within　my　waistcoat；　and　ate　its　way　in　two　minutes　to　my　heart’s　core。　Strange！”　he　exclaimed；　suddenly　starting　again　from　the　point。　“Strange　that　I　should　choose　you　for　the　confidant　of　all　this；　young　lady；　passing　strange　that　you　should　listen　to　me　quietly；　as　if　it　were　the　most　usual　thing　in　the　world　for　a　man　like　me　to　tell　stories　of　his　opera…mistresses　to　a　quaint；　inexperienced　girl　like　you！　But　the　last　singularity　explains　the　first；　as　I　intimated　once　before：　you；　with　your　gravity；　considerateness；　and　caution　were　made　to　be　the　recipient　of　secrets。　Besides；　I　know　what　sort　of　a　mind　I　have　placed　in　munication　with　my　own：　I　know　it　is　one　not　liable　to　take　infection：　it　is　a　peculiar　mind：　it　is　a　unique　one。　Happily　I　do　not　mean　to　harm　it：　but；　if　I　did；　it　would　not　take　harm　from　me。　The　more　you　and　I　converse；　the　better；　for　while　I　cannot　blight　you；　you　may　refresh　me。”　After　this　digression　he　proceeded—
“I　remained　in　the　balcony。　‘They　will　e　to　her　boudoir；　no　doubt；’　thought　I：　‘let　me　prepare　an　ambush。’　So　putting　my　hand　in　through　the　open　window；　I　drew　the　curtain　over　it；　leaving　only　an　opening　through　which　I　could　take　observations；　then　I　closed　the　casement；　all　but　a　chink　just　wide　enough　to　furnish　an　outlet　to　lovers’　whispered　vows：　then　I　stole　back　to　my　chair；　and　as　I　resumed　it　the　pair　came　in。　My　eye　was　quickly　at　the　aperture。　Céline’s　chamber…maid　entered；　lit　a　lamp；　left　it　on　the　table；　and　withdrew。　The　couple　were　thus　revealed　to　me　clearly：　both　removed　their　cloaks；　and　there　was　‘the　Varens；’　shining　in　satin　and　jewels；—my　gifts　of　course；—and　there　was　her　panion　in　an　officer’s　uniform；　and　I　knew　him　for　a　young　roue　of　a　vite—a　brainless　and　vicious　youth　whom　I　had　sometimes　met　in　society；　and　had　never　thought　of　hating　because　I　despised　him　so　absolutely。　On　recognising　him；　the　fang　of　the　snake　Jealousy　was　instantly　broken；　because　at　the　same　moment　my　love　for　Céline　sank　under　an　extinguisher。　A　woman　who　could　betray　me　for　such　a　rival　was　not　worth　contending　for；　she　deserved　only　scorn；　less；　however；　than　I；　who　had　been　her　dupe。
“They　began　to　talk；　their　conversation　eased　me　pletely：　frivolous；　mercenary；　heartless；　and　senseless；　it　was　rather　calculated　to　weary　than　enrage　a　listener。　A　card　of　mine　lay　on　the　table；　this　being　perceived；　brought　my　name　under　discussion。　Neither　of　them　possessed　energy　or　wit　to　belabour　me　soundly；　but　they　insulted　me　as　coarsely　as　they　could　in　their　little　way：　especially　Céline；　who　even　waxed　rather　brilliant　on　my　personal　defects—deformities　she　termed　them。　Now　it　had　been　her　custom　to　launch　out　into　fervent　admiration　of　what　she　called　my　‘beauté　male：’　wherein　she　differed　diametrically　from　you；　who　told　me　point…blank；　at　the　second　interview；　that　you　did　not　think　me　handsome。　The　contrast　struck　me　at　the　time　and—”
Adèle　here　came　running　up　again。
“Monsieur；　John　has　just　been　to　say　that　your　agent　has　called　and　wishes　to　see　you。”
“Ah！　in　that　case　I　must　abridge。　Opening　the　window；　I　walked　in　upon　them；　liberated　Céline　from　my　protection；　gave　her　notice　to　vacate　her　hotel；　offered　her　a　purse　for　immediate　exigencies；　disregarded　screams；　hysterics；　prayers；　protestations；　convulsions；　made　an　appointment　with　the　vite　for　a　meeting　at　the　Bois　de　Boulogne。　Next　morning　I　had　the　pleasure　of　encountering　him；　left　a　bullet　in　one　of　his　poor　etiolated　arms；　feeble　as　the　wing　of　a　chicken　in　the　pip；　and　then　thought　I　had　done　with　the　whole　crew。　But　unluckily　the　Varens；　six　months　before；　had　given　me　this　filette　Adèle；　who；　she　affirmed；　was　my　daughter；　and　perhaps　she　may　be；　though　I　see　no　proofs　of　such　grim　paternity　written　in　her　countenance：　Pilot　is　more　like　me　than　she。　Some　years　after　I　had　broken　with　the　mother；　she　abandoned　her　child；　and　ran　away　to　Italy　with　a　musician　or　singer。　I　acknowledged　no　natural　claim　on　Adèle’s　part　to　be　supported　by　me；　nor　do　I　now　acknowledge　any；　for　I　am　not　her　father；　but　hearing　that　she　was　quite　destitute；　I　e’en　took　the　poor　thing　out　of　the　slime　and　mud　of　Paris；　and　transplanted　it　here；　to　grow　up　clean　in　the　wholesome　soil　of　an　English　country　garden。　Mrs。　Fairfax　found　you　to　train　it；　but　now　you　know　that　it　is　the　illegitimate　offspring　of　a　French　opera…　girl；　you　will　perhaps　think　differently　of　your　post　and　protégée：　you　will　be　ing　to　me　some　day　with　notice　that　you　have　found　another　place—that　you　beg　me　to　look　out　for　a　new　governess；　&c。—Eh？”
“No：　Adèle　is　not　answerable　for　either　her　mother’s　faults　or　yours：　I　have　a　regard　for　her；　and　now　that　I　know　she　is；　in　a　sense；　parentless—forsaken　by　her　mother　and　disowned　by　you；　sir—　I　shall　cling　closer　to　her　than　before。　How　could　I　possibly　prefer　the　spoilt　pet　of　a　wealthy　family；　who　would　hate　her　governess　as　a　nuisance；　to　a　lonely　little　orphan；　who　leans　towards　her　as　a　friend？”
“Oh；　that　is　the　light　in　which　you　view　it！　Well；　I　must　go　in　now；　and　you　too：　it　darkens。”
But　I　stayed　out　a　few　minutes　longer　with　Adèle　and　Pilot—ran　a　race　with　her；　and　played　a　game　of　battledore　and　shuttlecock。　When　we　went　in；　and　I　had　removed　her　bon　and　coat；　I　took　her　on　my　knee；　kept　her　there　an　hour；　allowing　her　to　prattle　as　she　liked：　not　rebuking　even　some　little　freedoms　and　trivialities　into　which　she　was　apt　to　stray　when　much　noticed；　and　which　betrayed　in　her　a　superficiality　of　character；　inherited　probably　from　her　mother；　hardly　congenial　to　an　English　mind。　Still　she　had　her　merits；　and　I　was　disposed　to　appreciate　all　that　was　good　in　her　to　the　utmost。　I　sought　in　her　countenance　and　features　a　likeness　to　Mr。　Rochester；　but　found　none：　no　trait；　no　turn　of　expression　announced　relationship。　It　was　a　pity：　if　she　could　but　have　been　proved　to　resemble　him；　he　would　have　thought　more　of　her。
It　was　not　till　after　I　had　withdrawn　to　my　own　chamber　for　the　night；　that　I　steadily　reviewed　the　tale　Mr。　Rochester　had　told　me。　As　he　had　said；　there　was　probably　nothing　at　all　extraordinary　in　the　substance　of　the　narrative　itself：　a　wealthy　Englishman’s　passion　for　a　French　dancer；　and　her　treachery　to　him；　were　every…　day　matters　enough；　no　doubt；　in　society；　but　there　was　something　decidedly　strange　in　the　paroxysm　of　emotion　which　had　suddenly　seized　him　when　he　was　in　the　act　of　expressing　the　present　contentment　of　his　mood；　and　his　newly　revived　pleasure　in　the　old　hall　and　its　environs。　I　meditated　wonderingly　on　this　incident；　but　gradually　quitting　it；　as　I　found　it　for　the　present　inexplicable；　I　turned　to　the　consideration　of　my　master’s　manner　to　myself。　The　confidence　he　had　thought　fit　to　repose　in　me　seemed　a　tribute　to　my　discretion：　I　regarded　and　accepted　it　as　such。　His　deportment　had　now　for　some　weeks　been　more　uniform　towards　me　than　at　the　first。　I　never　seemed　in　his　way；　he　did　not　take　fits　of　chilling　hauteur：　when　he　met　me　unexpectedly；　the　encounter　seemed　wele；　he　had　always　a　word　and　sometimes　a　smile　for　me：　when　summoned　by　formal　invitation　to　his　presence；　I　was　honoured　by　a　cordiality　of　reception　that　made　me　feel　I　really　possessed　the　power　to　amuse　him；　and　that　these　evening　conferences　were　sought　as　much　for　his　pleasure　as　for　my　benefit。
I；　indeed；　talked　paratively　little；　but　I　heard　him　talk　with　relish。　It　was　his　nature　to　be　municative；　he　liked　to　open　to　a　mind　unacquainted　with　the　world　glimpses　of　its　scenes　and　ways　（I　do　not　mean　its　corrupt　scenes　and　wicked　ways；　but　such　as　derived　their　interest　from　the　great　scale　on　which　they　were　acted；　the　strange　novelty　by　which　they　were　characterised）；　and　I　had　a　keen　delight　in　receiving　the　new　ideas　he　offered；　in　imagining　the　new　pictures　he　portrayed；　and　following　him　in　thought　through　the　new　regions　he　disclosed；　never　startled　or　troubled　by　one　noxious　allusion。
The　ease　of　his　manner　freed　me　from　painful　restraint：　the　friendly　frankness；　as　correct　as　cordial；　with　which　he　treated　me；　drew　me　to　him。　I　felt　at　times　as　if　he　were　my　relation　rather　than　my　master：　yet　he　was　imperious　sometimes　still；　but　I　did　not　mind　that；　I　saw　it　was　his　way。　So　happy；　so　gratified　did　I　bee　with　this　new　interest　added　to　life；　that　I　ceased　to　pine　after　kindred：　my　thin　crescent…destiny　seemed　to　enlarge；　the　blanks　of　existence　were　filled　up；　my　bodily　health　improved；　I　gathered　flesh　and　strength。
And　was　Mr。　Rochester　now　ugly　in　my　eyes？　No；　reader：　gratitude；　and　many　associations；　all　pleasurable　and　genial；　made　his　face　the　object　I　best　liked　to　see；　his　presence　in　a　room　was　more　cheering　than　the　brightest　fire。　Yet　I　had　not　forgotten　his　faults；　indeed；　I　could　not；　for　he　brought　them　frequently　before　me。　He　was　proud；　sardonic；　harsh　to　inferiority　of　every　description：　in　my　secret　soul　I　knew　that　his　great　kindness　to　me　was　balanced　by　unjust　severity　to　many　others。　He　was　moody；　too；　unaccountably　so；　I　more　than　once；　when　sent　for　to　read　to　him；　found　him　sitting　in　his　library　alone；　with　his　head　bent　on　his　folded　arms；　and；　when　he　looked　up；　a　morose；　almost　a　malignant；　scowl　blackened　his　features。　But　I　believed　that　his　moodiness；　his　harshness；　and　his　former　faults　of　morality　（I　say　former；　for　now　he　seemed　corrected　of　them）　had　their　source　in　some　cruel　cross　of　fate。　I　believed　he　was　naturally　a　man　of　better　tendencies；　higher　principles；　and　purer　tastes　than　such　as　circumstances　had　developed；　education　instilled；　or　destiny　encouraged。　I　thought　there　were　excellent　materials　in　him；　though　for　the　present　they　hung　together　somewhat　spoiled　and　tangled。　I　cannot　deny　that　I　grieved　for　his　grief；　whatever　that　was；　and　would　have　given　much　to　assuage　it。
Though　I　had　now　extinguished　my　candle　and　was　laid　down　in　bed；　I　could　not　sleep　for　thinking　of　his　look　when　he　paused　in　the　avenue；　and　told　how　his　destiny　had　risen　up　before　him；　and　dared　him　to　be　happy　at　Thornfield。
“Why　not？”　I　asked　myself。　“What　alienates　him　from　the　house？　Will　he　leave　it　again　soon？　Mrs。　Fairfax　said　he　seldom　stayed　here　longer　than　a　fortnight　at　a　time；　and　he　has　now　been　resident　eight　weeks。　If　he　does　go；　the　change　will　be　doleful。　Suppose　he　should　be　absent　spring；　summer；　and　autumn：　how　joyless　sunshine　and　fine　days　will　seem！”
I　hardly　know　whether　I　had　slept　or　not　after　this　musing；　at　any　rate；　I　started　wide　awake　on　hearing　a　vague　murmur；　peculiar　and　lugubrious；　which　sounded；　I　thought；　just　above　me。　I　wished　I　had　kept　my　candle　burning：　the　night　was　drearily　dark；　my　spirits　were　depressed。　I　rose　and　sat　up　in　bed；　listening。　The　sound　was　hushed。
I　tried　again　to　sleep；　but　my　heart　beat　anxiously：　my　inward　tranquillity　was　broken。　The　clock；　far　down　in　the　hall；　struck　two。　Just　then　it　seemed　my　chamber…door　was　touched；　as　if　fingers　had　swept　the　panels　in　groping　a　way　along　the　dark　gallery　outside。　I　said；　“Who　is　there？”　Nothing　answered。　I　was　chilled　with　fear。
All　at　once　I　remembered　that　it　might　be　Pilot；　who；　when　the　kitchen…door　chanced　to　be　left　open；　not　unfrequently　found　his　way　up　to　the　threshold　of　Mr。　Rochester’s　chamber：　I　had　seen　him　lying　there　myself　in　the　mornings。　The　idea　calmed　me　somewhat：　I