简爱(英文版)-第12章

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g；　she　lifted　her　eyes。　What　a　strange　light　inspired　them！　What　an　extraordinary　sensation　that　ray　sent　through　me！　How　the　new　feeling　bore　me　up！　It　was　as　if　a　martyr；　a　hero；　had　passed　a　slave　or　victim；　and　imparted　strength　in　the　transit。　I　mastered　the　rising　hysteria；　lifted　up　my　head；　and　took　a　firm　stand　on　the　stool。　Helen　Burns　asked　some　slight　question　about　her　work　of　Miss　Smith；　was　chidden　for　the　triviality　of　the　inquiry；　returned　to　her　place；　and　smiled　at　me　as　she　again　went　by。　What　a　smile！　I　remember　it　now；　and　I　know　that　it　was　the　effluence　of　fine　intellect；　of　true　courage；　it　lit　up　her　marked　lineaments；　her　thin　face；　her　sunken　grey　eye；　like　a　reflection　from　the　aspect　of　an　angel。　Yet　at　that　moment　Helen　Burns　wore　on　her　arm　“the　untidy　badge；”　scarcely　an　hour　ago　I　had　heard　her　condemned　by　Miss　Scatcherd　to　a　dinner　of　bread　and　water　on　the　morrow　because　she　had　blotted　an　exercise　in　copying　it　out。　Such　is　the　imperfect　nature　of　man！　such　spots　are　there　on　the　disc　of　the　clearest　pla；　and　eyes　like　Miss　Scatcherd’s　can　only　see　those　minute　defects；　and　are　blind　to　the　full　brightness　of　the　orb。
Chapter　8
Ere　the　half…hour　ended；　five　o’clock　struck；　school　was　dismissed；　and　all　were　gone　into　the　refectory　to　tea。　I　now　ventured　to　descend：　it　was　deep　dusk；　I　retired　into　a　corner　and　sat　down　on　the　floor。　The　spell　by　which　I　had　been　so　far　supported　began　to　dissolve；　reaction　took　place；　and　soon；　so　overwhelming　was　the　grief　that　seized　me；　I　sank　prostrate　with　my　face　to　the　ground。　Now　I　wept：　Helen　Burns　was　not　here；　nothing　sustained　me；　left　to　myself　I　abandoned　myself；　and　my　tears　watered　the　boards。　I　had　meant　to　be　so　good；　and　to　do　so　much　at　Lowood：　to　make　so　many　friends；　to　earn　respect　and　win　affection。　Already　I　had　made　visible　progress：　that　very　morning　I　had　reached　the　head　of　my　class；　Miss　Miller　had　praised　me　warmly；　Miss　Temple　had　smiled　approbation；　she　had　promised　to　teach　me　drawing；　and　to　let　me　learn　French；　if　I　continued　to　make　similar　improvement　two　months　longer：　and　then　I　was　well　received　by　my　fellow…pupils；　treated　as　an　equal　by　those　of　my　own　age；　and　not　molested　by　any；　now；　here　I　lay　again　crushed　and　trodden　on；　and　could　I　ever　rise　more？
“Never；”　I　thought；　and　ardently　I　wished　to　die。　While　sobbing　out　this　wish　in　broken　accents；　some　one　approached：　I　started　up—　again　Helen　Burns　was　near　me；　the　fading　fires　just　showed　her　ing　up　the　long；　vacant　room；　she　brought　my　coffee　and　bread。
“e；　eat　something；”　she　said；　but　I　put　both　away　from　me；　feeling　as　if　a　drop　or　a　crumb　would　have　choked　me　in　my　present　condition。　Helen　regarded　me；　probably　with　surprise：　I　could　not　now　abate　my　agitation；　though　I　tried　hard；　I　continued　to　weep　aloud。　She　sat　down　on　the　ground　near　me；　embraced　her　knees　with　her　arms；　and　rested　her　head　upon　them；　in　that　attitude　she　remained　silent　as　an　Indian。　I　was　the　first　who　spoke—
“Helen；　why　do　you　stay　with　a　girl　whom　everybody　believes　to　be　a　liar？”
“Everybody；　Jane？　Why；　there　are　only　eighty　people　who　have　heard　you　called　so；　and　the　world　contains　hundreds　of　millions。”
“But　what　have　I　to　do　with　millions？　The　eighty；　I　know；　despise　me。”
“Jane；　you　are　mistaken：　probably　not　one　in　the　school　either　despises　or　dislikes　you：　many；　I　am　sure；　pity　you　much。”
“How　can　they　pity　me　after　what　Mr。　Brocklehurst　has　said？”
“Mr。　Brocklehurst　is　not　a　god：　nor　is　he　even　a　great　and　admired　man：　he　is　little　liked　here；　he　never　took　steps　to　make　himself　liked。　Had　he　treated　you　as　an　especial　favourite；　you　would　have　found　enemies；　declared　or　covert；　all　around　you；　as　it　is；　the　greater　number　would　offer　you　sympathy　if　they　dared。　Teachers　and　pupils　may　look　coldly　on　you　for　a　day　or　two；　but　friendly　feelings　are　concealed　in　their　hearts；　and　if　you　persevere　in　doing　well；　these　feelings　will　ere　long　appear　so　much　the　more　evidently　for　their　temporary　suppression。　Besides；　Jane”—she　paused。
“Well；　Helen？”　said　I；　putting　my　hand　into　hers：　she　chafed　my　fingers　gently　to　warm　them；　and　went　on—
“If　all　the　world　hated　you；　and　believed　you　wicked；　while　your　own　conscience　approved　you；　and　absolved　you　from　guilt；　you　would　not　be　without　friends。”
“No；　I　know　I　should　think　well　of　myself；　but　that　is　not　enough：　if　others　don’t　love　me　I　would　rather　die　than　live—I　cannot　bear　to　be　solitary　and　hated；　Helen。　Look　here；　to　gain　some　real　affection　from　you；　or　Miss　Temple；　or　any　other　whom　I　truly　love；　I　would　willingly　submit　to　have　the　bone　of　my　arm　broken；　or　to　let　a　bull　toss　me；　or　to　stand　behind　a　kicking　horse；　and　let　it　dash　its　hoof　at　my　chest—”
“Hush；　Jane！　you　think　too　much　of　the　love　of　human　beings；　you　are　too　impulsive；　too　vehement；　the　sovereign　hand　that　created　your　frame；　and　put　life　into　it；　has　provided　you　with　other　resources　than　your　feeble　self；　or　than　creatures　feeble　as　you。　Besides　this　earth；　and　besides　the　race　of　men；　there　is　an　invisible　world　and　a　kingdom　of　spirits：　that　world　is　round　us；　for　it　is　everywhere；　and　those　spirits　watch　us；　for　they　are　missioned　to　guard　us；　and　if　we　were　dying　in　pain　and　shame；　if　scorn　smote　us　on　all　sides；　and　hatred　crushed　us；　angels　see　our　tortures；　recognise　our　innocence　（if　innocent　we　be：　as　I　know　you　are　of　this　charge　which　Mr。　Brocklehurst　has　weakly　and　pompously　repeated　at　second…hand　from　Mrs。　Reed；　for　I　read　a　sincere　nature　in　your　ardent　eyes　and　on　your　clear　front）；　and　God　waits　only　the　separation　of　spirit　from　flesh　to　crown　us　with　a　full　reward。　Why；　then；　should　we　ever　sink　overwhelmed　with　distress；　when　life　is　so　soon　over；　and　death　is　so　certain　an　entrance　to　happiness—　to　glory？”
I　was　silent；　Helen　had　calmed　me；　but　in　the　tranquillity　she　imparted　there　was　an　alloy　of　inexpressible　sadness。　I　felt　the　impression　of　woe　as　she　spoke；　but　I　could　not　tell　whence　it　came；　and　when；　having　done　speaking；　she　breathed　a　little　fast　and　coughed　a　short　cough；　I　momentarily　forgot　my　own　sorrows　to　yield　to　a　vague　concern　for　her。
Resting　my　head　on　Helen’s　shoulder；　I　put　my　arms　round　her　waist；　she　drew　me　to　her；　and　we　reposed　in　silence。　We　had　not　sat　long　thus；　when　another　person　came　in。　Some　heavy　clouds；　swept　from　the　sky　by　a　rising　wind；　had　left　the　moon　bare；　and　her　light；　streaming　in　through　a　window　near；　shone　full　both　on　us　and　on　the　approaching　figure；　which　we　at　once　recognised　as　Miss　Temple。
“I　came　on　purpose　to　find　you；　Jane　Eyre；”　said　she；　“I　want　you　in　my　room；　and　as　Helen　Burns　is　with　you；　she　may　e　too。”
We　went；　following　the　superintendent’s　guidance；　we　had　to　thread　some　intricate　passages；　and　mount　a　staircase　before　we　reached　her　apartment；　it　contained　a　good　fire；　and　looked　cheerful。　Miss　Temple　told　Helen　Burns　to　be　seated　in　a　low　arm…chair　on　one　side　of　the　hearth；　and　herself　taking　another；　she　called　me　to　her　side。
“Is　it　all　over？”　she　asked；　looking　down　at　my　face。　“Have　you　cried　your　grief　away？”
“I　am　afraid　I　never　shall　do　that。”
“Why？”
“Because　I　have　been　wrongly　accused；　and　you；　ma’am；　and　everybody　else；　will　now　think　me　wicked。”
“We　shall　think　you　what　you　prove　yourself　to　be；　my　child。　Continue　to　act　as　a　good　girl；　and　you　will　satisfy　us。”
“Shall　I；　Miss　Temple？”
“You　will；”　said　she；　passing　her　arm　round　me。　“And　now　tell　me　who　is　the　lady　whom　Mr。　Brocklehurst　called　your　benefactress？”
“Mrs。　Reed；　my　uncle’s　wife。　My　uncle　is　dead；　and　he　left　me　to　her　care。”
“Did　she　not；　then；　adopt　you　of　her　own　accord？”
“No；　ma’am；　she　was　sorry　to　have　to　do　it：　but　my　uncle；　as　I　have　often　heard　the　servants　say；　got　her　to　promise　before　he　died　that　she　would　always　keep　me。”
“Well　now；　Jane；　you　know；　or　at　least　I　will　tell　you；　that　when　a　criminal　is　accused；　he　is　always　allowed　to　speak　in　his　own　defence。　You　have　been　charged　with　falsehood；　defend　yourself　to　me　as　well　as　you　can。　Say　whatever　your　memory　suggests　is　true；　but　add　nothing　and　exaggerate　nothing。”
I　resolved；　in　the　depth　of　my　heart；　that　I　would　be　most　moderate—most　correct；　and；　having　reflected　a　few　minutes　in　order　to　arrange　coherently　what　I　had　to　say；　I　told　her　all　the　story　of　my　sad　childhood。　Exhausted　by　emotion；　my　language　was　more　subdued　than　it　generally　was　when　it　developed　that　sad　theme；　and　mindful　of　Helen’s　warnings　against　the　indulgence　of　resentment；　I　infused　into　the　narrative　far　less　of　gall　and　wormwood　than　ordinary。　Thus　restrained　and　simplified；　it　sounded　more　credible：　I　felt　as　I　went　on　that　Miss　Temple　fully　believed　me。
In　the　course　of　the　tale　I　had　mentioned　Mr。　Lloyd　as　having　e　to　see　me　after　the　fit：　for　I　never　forgot　the；　to　me；　frightful　episode　of　the　red…room：　in　detailing　which；　my　excitement　was　sure；　in　some　degree；　to　break　bounds；　for　nothing　could　soften　in　my　recollection　the　spasm　of　agony　which　clutched　my　heart　when　Mrs。　Reed　spurned　my　wild　supplication　for　pardon；　and　locked　me　a　second　time　in　the　dark　and　haunted　chamber。
I　had　finished：　Miss　Temple　regarded　me　a　few　minutes　in　silence；　she　then　said—
“I　know　something　of　Mr。　Lloyd；　I　shall　write　to　him；　if　his　reply　agrees　with　your　statement；　you　shall　be　publicly　cleared　from　every　imputation；　to　me；　Jane；　you　are　clear　now。”
She　kissed　me；　and　still　keeping　me　at　her　side　（where　I　was　well　contented　to　stand；　for　I　derived　a　child’s　pleasure　from　the　contemplation　of　her　face；　her　dress；　her　one　or　two　ornaments；　her　white　forehead；　her　clustered　and　shining　curls；　and　beaming　dark　eyes）；　she　proceeded　to　address　Helen　Burns。
“How　are　you　to…night；　Helen？　Have　you　coughed　much　to…day？”
“Not　quite　so　much；　I　think；　ma’am。”
“And　the　pain　in　your　chest？”
“It　is　a　little　better。”
Miss　Temple　got　up；　took　her　hand　and　examined　her　pulse；　then　she　returned　to　her　own　seat：　as　she　resumed　it；　I　heard　her　sigh　low。　She　was　pensive　a　few　minutes；　then　rousing　herself；　she　said　cheerfully—
“But　you　two　are　my　visitors　to…night；　I　must　treat　you　as　such。”　She　rang　her　bell。
“Barbara；”　she　said　to　the　servant　who　answered　it；　“I　have　not　yet　had　tea；　bring　the　tray　and　place　cups　for　these　two　young　ladies。”
And　a　tray　was　soon　brought。　How　pretty；　to　my　eyes；　did　the　china　cups　and　bright　teapot　look；　placed　on　the　little　round　table　near　the　fire！　How　fragrant　was　the　steam　of　the　beverage；　and　the　scent　of　the　toast！　of　which；　however；　I；　to　my　dismay　（for　I　was　beginning　to　be　hungry）　discerned　only　a　very　small　portion：　Miss　Temple　discerned　it　too。
“Barbara；”　said　she；　“can　you　not　bring　a　little　more　bread　and　butter？　There　is　not　enough　for　three。”
Barbara　went　out：　she　returned　soon—
“Madam；　Mrs。　Harden　says　she　has　sent　up　the　usual　quantity。”
Mrs。　Harden；　be　it　observed；　was　the　housekeeper：　a　woman　after　Mr。　Brocklehurst’s　own　heart；　made　up　of　equal　parts　of　whalebone　and　iron。
“Oh；　very　well！”　returned　Miss　Temple；　“we　must　make　it　do；　Barbara；　I　suppose。”　And　as　the　girl　withdrew　she　added；　smiling；　“Fortunately；　I　have　it　in　my　power　to　supply　deficiencies　for　this　once。”
Having　invited　Helen　and　me　to　approach　the　table；　and　placed　before　each　of　us　a　cup　of　tea　with　one　delicious　but　thin　morsel　of　toast；　she　got　up；　unlocked　a　drawer；　and　taking　from　it　a　parcel　wrapped　in　paper；　disclosed　presently　to　our　eyes　a　good…sized　seed…cake。
“I　meant　to　give　each　of　you　some　of　this　to　take　with　you；”　said　she；　“but　as　there　is　so　little　toast；　you　must　have　it　now；”　and　she　proceeded　to　cut　slices　with　a　generous　hand。
We　feasted　that　evening　as　on　nectar　and　ambrosia；　and　not　the　least　delight　of　the　entertainment　was　the　smile　of　gratification　with　which　our　hostess　regarded　us；　as　we　satisfied　our　famished　appetites　on　the　delicate　fare　she　liberally　supplied。
Tea　over　and　the　tray　removed；　she　again　summoned　us　to　the　fire；　we　sat　one　on　each　side　of　her；　and　now　a　conversation　followed　between　her　and　Helen；　which　it　was　indeed　a　privilege　to　be　admitted　to　hear。
Miss　Temple　had　always　something　of　serenity　in　her　air；　of　state　in　her　mien；　of　refined　propriety　in　her　language；　which　precluded　deviation　into　the　ardent；　the　excited；　the　eager：　something　which　chastened　the　pleasure　of　those　who　looked　on　her　and　listened　to　her；　by　a　controlling　sense　of　awe；　and　such　was　my　feeling　now：　but　as　to　Helen　Burns；　I　was　struck　with　wonder。
The　refreshing　meal；　the　brilliant　fire；　the　presence　and　kindness　of　her　beloved　instructress；　or；　perhaps；　more　than　all　these；　something　in　her　oind；　had　roused　her　powers　within　her。　They　woke；　they　kindled：　first；　they　glowed　in　the　bright　tint　of　her　cheek；　which　till　this　hour　I　had　never　seen　but　pale　and　bloodless；　then　they　shone　in　the　liquid　lustre　of　her　eyes；　ore　singular　than　that　of　Miss　Temple’s—a　beauty　neither　of　fine　colour　nor　long　eyelash；　nor　pencilled　brow；　but　of　meaning；　of　movement；　of　radiance。　Then　her　soul　sat　on　her　lips；　and　language　flowed；　from　what　source　I　cannot　tell。　Has　a　girl　of　fourteen　a　heart　large　enough；　vigorous　enough；　to　hold　the　swelling　spring　of　pure；　full；　fervid　eloquence？　Such　was　the　characteristic　o